The UCPO Spoon of Glory

Chapter 4: Entering evil's lair

At the heavy door to Daniel's rooms, Lizzie Loophole calmly underwent the triple security measures of voice recognition, fingerprinting and retina scan in order to admit the UCPOites. They soon overpowered the guards and found Daniel, sitting quite regally in a large chair, wearing white tie, and a surprised but unfazed look on his face. They could see the Spoon of Glory poking out of his breast pocket.
'Oh, so you've found me.'
'Yes, Daniel. Hand over the Spoon of Glory and we'll leave quietly,' said the chair.
Daniel smiled. 'Why would I want to do that?'
'Because your megalomania is ridiculous and it's time to wake up to yourself. Do you really think that your followers care about you at all? They are under a horrible spell. They should have the chance to make up their own minds.' As the chair spoke, a monkey wearing a diamond collar walked in with a gin and tonic on a silver tray.
'You are wrong,' said Daniel, 'and I shall not give up the Spoon for anyone.'
'Nor shall I,' said a voice from behind them. The UCPOites turned quickly to see another Daniel dressed in white tie, also with a Spoon of Glory in his breast pocket.
'Nor I,' said another identical Daniel lounging against the door frame.

Daniel accepted the drink and took a sip, regarding the UCPOites lazily over the rim of his glass. 'So what exactly are you going to do about it?'
At this point, the monkey butler was leaving the room, and a quick-thinking UCPOite seized it. The monkey butler proved to be quite strong, but was easily held with the help of someone else. Daniel stood up with open-mouthed indignation and said, 'Not the monkey butler! Have you any idea how long it took me to get one?'
'Then give us the Spoon,' said the chair.
'How do you know which one is the real Spoon?' said the Daniel behind them.
Philosophicus muttered to himself, 'This will sort them out,' and let forth a piercing piccolo solo. The Daniels on the chair and at the back of the room promptly exploded, leaving the one in the doorway.
'Clever,' said the real Daniel. He spun around and walked away down the corridor.

Philosophicus and his team of piccolo specialists ran out of the room, quickly surrounding Daniel before he could escape through another doorway. Daniel reached out to administer the hug of death to the nearest UCPOite, but before he could do so, the ten piccolo players produced a high-pitched cluster chord of intense unpleasantness. Daniel blinked and swayed. After another ten seconds of this torture, he finally collapsed unconscious to the floor. Philosophicus proudly plucked the Spoon from his pocket, and led the UCPOites back to the front of the palace.

Once each team had been accounted for, they left with as much haste as possible, fending off a few more elastic bands, and exploding a few more clones on the way. Once outside the gates, they allowed themselves to celebrate, before making the journey back to UCPO capital city, where they were met with great praise and joy.

It was a subdued Daniel who regained consciousness a short while later. While he no longer had the Spoon, or his monkey butler, his minions were still out there and multiplying, which made him smile gently. He went to make another gin and tonic and a snack to console himself with, but couldn't find any gin. So he decided on port and cheese instead. He could find neither. This is because a team of a hundred UCPOites had taken his entire collection of port, wine and Hendricks gin, and the anti-cheese squad of Calamidee and Rossiter Memsec, in their sealed suits, had gingerly removed his supply of cheese. Daniel howled in anguish.

With increasing desperation, he turned to Bruckner, who could always make things better, but found that all his recordings had been confiscated. Another, more disconsolate howl. Looking feverishly for something comforting, he turned to the nearest computer, but found that his internet access had been disconnected and wireless capability had been blocked by the UCPO compscis. This was too much. He sank to his knees and cried.

Chapter 5

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