The UCPO Spoon of Glory

For those who do not know of the UCPO Spoon of Glory, here is the story of its significance. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.


Chapter 1: The rise of evil

When the world was young, it was populated by all manner of plastic cutlery. These unprepossessing knives, forks and spoons went about their business humbly, and in harmony with all other creatures. On the twenty-eighth day of the second month of the year of our lord two thousand and nine, that was to change forever.

The true and brave race of music makers, the UCPOites, also walked the earth in harmony with their fellow creatures, and with each other. Until the aforementioned night, when one particular UCPOite, Daniel of Wagnerian Hall fame, ruthlessly waylaid two innocent members of the plastic cutlery population and employed them in a fierce battle with his rival, the great and fair maiden: Sarah the Mighty Kendall. In her defence, the Mighty Kendall was obliged to similarly employ plastic artillery, and the ensuing skirmish was long and bitter.

Daniel, when it became apparent that he could not win this battle, called upon his evil wizardry to obtain unfair advantage. By way of a diabolical spell involving whistling the third Rachmaninov piano concerto, and attaching a dread piece of Powerful Plastic Material, he invested one spoon with the power to give whomever possesses it the strength of 100 UCPOites. By way of this unfair advantage, Daniel of Wagnerian Hall fame defeated the fair Mighty Kendall on that night.

Lo (and indeed woe), the UCPOites mourned this state of affairs, but, despite some brave souls attempting to possess such a powerful weapon for themselves, and temporarily succeeding, the evil Daniel marched triumphant from the battlefield with the Spoon of Glory in pocket. He claimed a far corner of the world for himself, and built a giant palace from gleaming brass, with a wide, round opening at one end to enable him to hear doings of the world.

The other peace-loving knives, forks and spoons were now under the thrall of the Spoon of Glory, and their daily lives became ones of drudgery and servitude. They dreamed of a time when the Spoon of Glory might be overthrown, and plotted secret plans to rise against their oppressor. Likewise, the other UCPOites desperately attempted to prise the Spoon of Glory from Daniel's clutches, knowing that the only way to destroy its fearsome power was to melt it down in the righteous fire of the great and wise deity, Robert of Nimmo, and that their true leader, and the deserving recipient of their love, was the Mighty Kendall.

From afar, sitting alone in his gleaming brass palace, Daniel was infuriated by the adoration that the Mighty Kendall excited from her followers, and vowed to find a way of deflating her (perceived) ego and of winning over the people. It came to him before very long: he would invite the UCPOites to his palace, enticing them with rivers of wine, and mountains of cheese. And many people came. The wine and cheese were the tastiest and most divine possible, but thanks to the Spoon of Glory, they bore an enchantment that turned those who consumed them into helpless minions, eager to do Daniel's evil bidding. In this way, Daniel amassed his own following, who learnt to dislike the Mighty Kendall, and to go forth through the world, causing havoc by converting more and more true Mighty Kendall followers into puppets like themselves.

Meanwhile, from her fair corner of the world, the Mighty Kendall watched sadly as Daniel gradually converted the UCPOites and made them love him. She knew that at heart Daniel wasn't truly bad; if only she could find a way to dispossess him of the Spoon of Glory and destroy it, the world would be to rights once again. So she sought an audience with the great and powerful Robert of Nimmo, and together they devised a way to gather an army sufficient to overthrow Daniel, and set free his minions. Their plan was epic, calling on the positive strengths of the UCPOites.

Chapter 2

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